{"id":11971,"date":"2026-03-18T21:54:31","date_gmt":"2026-03-18T21:54:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thepatswalk.com\/?p=11971"},"modified":"2026-03-18T21:54:31","modified_gmt":"2026-03-18T21:54:31","slug":"a-new-priest-at-his-very-first-mass-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thepatswalk.com\/?p=11971","title":{"rendered":"A new priest at his very first Mass"},"content":{"rendered":"<p data-start=\"179\" data-end=\"249\"><strong data-start=\"179\" data-end=\"247\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"emoji\" role=\"img\" draggable=\"false\" src=\"https:\/\/s.w.org\/images\/core\/emoji\/17.0.2\/svg\/1f602.svg\" alt=\"\ud83d\ude02\" \/>\u00a0The Hilarious Tale of a Nervous Priest and His \u201cVodka Sermon\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"251\" data-end=\"359\">A new priest was so nervous at his very first Mass that he could barely speak and gave an awful sermon.\u00a0<img decoding=\"async\" class=\"emoji\" role=\"img\" draggable=\"false\" src=\"https:\/\/s.w.org\/images\/core\/emoji\/17.0.2\/svg\/1f630.svg\" alt=\"\ud83d\ude30\" \/><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"361\" data-end=\"567\">Afterward, he asked the monsignor how to \u201crelax\u201d on the pulpit. The monsignor jokingly said:<br data-start=\"453\" data-end=\"456\" \/><em data-start=\"456\" data-end=\"562\">\u201cWhen I\u2019m nervous, I put a glass of vodka in front of me. If I start to shake or stammer, I take a sip.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0<img decoding=\"async\" class=\"emoji\" role=\"img\" draggable=\"false\" src=\"https:\/\/s.w.org\/images\/core\/emoji\/17.0.2\/svg\/1f943.svg\" alt=\"\ud83e\udd43\" \/><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"569\" data-end=\"719\">The next Sunday, the young priest tried it. One sip\u2026 then another\u2026 and another! By the end, he was preaching with energy, theatrics, and confidence.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"721\" data-end=\"797\">After Mass, he found a note from the monsignor with some important advice:<\/p>\n<ul data-start=\"799\" data-end=\"1092\">\n<li data-section-id=\"egbyg6\" data-start=\"799\" data-end=\"819\">\n<p data-start=\"801\" data-end=\"819\">Sip, don\u2019t gulp.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li data-section-id=\"ri6kv7\" data-start=\"820\" data-end=\"858\">\n<p data-start=\"822\" data-end=\"858\">There are 10 Commandments, not 12.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li data-section-id=\"432aah\" data-start=\"859\" data-end=\"902\">\n<p data-start=\"861\" data-end=\"902\">Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li data-section-id=\"k1sp06\" data-start=\"903\" data-end=\"965\">\n<p data-start=\"905\" data-end=\"965\">David slew Goliath, not \u201ckicked the holy crap\u201d out of him.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li data-section-id=\"1wcl4fk\" data-start=\"966\" data-end=\"1020\">\n<p data-start=\"968\" data-end=\"1020\">The Virgin Mary is\u00a0<strong data-start=\"987\" data-end=\"994\">not<\/strong>\u00a0\u201cMary with the Cherry.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li data-section-id=\"1yf5kkc\" data-start=\"1021\" data-end=\"1092\">\n<p data-start=\"1023\" data-end=\"1092\">And grace before meals isn\u2019t: \u201cRub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p data-start=\"1094\" data-end=\"1175\">Sometimes, a little less of the \u201cHoly Spirit\u201d makes for a\u00a0<strong data-start=\"1152\" data-end=\"1169\">better sermon<\/strong>.\u00a0<img decoding=\"async\" class=\"emoji\" role=\"img\" draggable=\"false\" src=\"https:\/\/s.w.org\/images\/core\/emoji\/17.0.2\/svg\/1f602.svg\" alt=\"\ud83d\ude02\" \/><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<div class=\"mh-excerpt\"><p>\u00a0The Hilarious Tale of a Nervous Priest and His \u201cVodka Sermon\u201d A new priest was so nervous at his very first Mass that he could <a class=\"mh-excerpt-more\" href=\"https:\/\/thepatswalk.com\/?p=11971\" title=\"A new priest at his very first Mass\">[&#8230;]<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11971","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thepatswalk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11971","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thepatswalk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thepatswalk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thepatswalk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thepatswalk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=11971"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/thepatswalk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11971\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11972,"href":"https:\/\/thepatswalk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11971\/revisions\/11972"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thepatswalk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=11971"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thepatswalk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=11971"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thepatswalk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=11971"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}