She kept a small army of figures beside her hospital bed and picked one before every treatment.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis one\u2019s my chemo buddy today,\u201d she would announce.<\/p>\n
Sometimes it was Spider-Man. Sometimes Wonder Woman. Batman was reserved for days she expected to be especially hard because, according to Elodie, \u201cHe already looks grumpy, so he understands.\u201d<\/p>\n
When I realized we would spend her seventh birthday in the hospital, it broke something in me.<\/p>\n
I tried not to show her.<\/p>\n
I brought a small cake, hung paper stars around the room, and tied balloons to the foot of her bed. I told myself that if I smiled hard enough, maybe she would remember the decorations instead of the IV.<\/p>\n
Elodie looked around when she woke.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou did too much, Mom.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s your birthday.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou said that at Christmas too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou only turn seven once.\u201d<\/p>\n
She smiled, but a few seconds later she looked at the balloon floating above her bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you think I\u2019ll have my eighth birthday here too?\u201d<\/p>\n
My hand immediately went to hers.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re worrying about seven today.\u201d<\/p>\n
She nodded, and I hated how easily she accepted that answer.<\/p>\n
Before she got sick, I had missed the first signs.<\/p>\n
She complained that she was tired, and I blamed school.<\/p>\n
Then bruises appeared on her legs, and I blamed the playground.<\/p>\n
By the time I understood that something was truly wrong, I had replayed every symptom a hundred times in my head, wondering what kind of mother had failed to see it sooner.<\/p>\n
After that, I noticed everything.<\/p>\n
If Elodie rubbed her eyes, I noticed.<\/p>\n
If she left three bites of lunch, I noticed.<\/p>\n
If her laugh sounded quieter, I noticed.<\/p>\n
Watching her had become something I did without thinking.<\/p>\n
That morning, one of the nurses brought in a huge birthday card from Elodie\u2019s class. It was covered with stickers, drawings, hearts, and superhero symbols.<\/p>\n
Elodie carefully read every message.<\/p>\n
So did I.<\/p>\n
Then I noticed one name was missing.<\/p>\n
Tessa.<\/p>\n
Before Elodie got sick, Tessa had practically lived at our house. The girls fought about cartoons, traded lunches, and spent hours arguing over whether a Tyrannosaurus rex could beat a shark.<\/p>\n
Elodie checked the card again.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe she forgot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe wouldn\u2019t forget your birthday.\u201d<\/p>\n
Elodie shrugged, but I could tell it bothered her.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve been gone forever, Mom. Maybe she has other friends now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI could ask your teacher.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes immediately lifted.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d just make sure everything is okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want you to.\u201d<\/p>\n
I agreed.<\/p>\n
Then, while Elodie watched television, I sent her teacher a message anyway.<\/p>\n
At the time, I called it helping.<\/p>\n
Later, I would understand that I had started confusing helping with controlling anything that might hurt her.<\/p>\n
A little while later, Dr. Keane came in.<\/p>\n
He had been Elodie\u2019s oncologist for most of the year, and I trusted him more than almost anyone. He spoke directly to her instead of talking over her head, and he never promised anything he couldn\u2019t guarantee.<\/p>\n
After checking on her, he glanced toward the superhero figures.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho\u2019s on duty?\u201d<\/p>\n
Elodie pointed to Spider-Man clipped to the IV pole.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe is. He\u2019s having a difficult shift.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dr. Keane smiled.<\/p>\n
Then he told us he needed to step out for a few minutes.<\/p>\n
My chest immediately tightened.<\/p>\n
Elodie noticed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re doing the face again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat face?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe one where you think somebody is about to tell you something bad.\u201d<\/p>\n
Before I could answer, the door opened.<\/p>\n
Superman walked in.<\/p>\n
Elodie froze.<\/p>\n
Then Wonder Woman appeared behind him, followed by Batman, Spider-Man, and Captain America.<\/p>\n
One by one, doctors and nurses she knew entered the room dressed as the heroes she had spent months lining up beside her bed.<\/p>\n
For several seconds, Elodie simply stared.<\/p>\n
Then she screamed with laughter.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo way!\u201d<\/p>\n
She pointed at Batman.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know who you are!\u201d<\/p>\n
Batman crossed his arms.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have absolutely no evidence.\u201d<\/p>\n
That made her laugh even harder.<\/p>\n
Soon she was crying, and so was I.<\/p>\n
I automatically reached for my phone.<\/p>\n
For almost a year, I had photographed everything. Part of me had become terrified that one day photographs might be all I had left.<\/p>\n
But that morning, I lowered the phone.<\/p>\n
I wanted to see my daughter with my own eyes.<\/p>\n
Then Dr. Keane, still wearing the Superman costume, came closer and knelt beside her bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s one part of today your mom doesn\u2019t know about either.\u201d<\/p>\n
Elodie immediately looked at me.<\/p>\n
I had no idea what he meant.<\/p>\n
Dr. Keane\u2019s smile softened.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe results we were waiting for came in this morning.\u201d<\/p>\n
My hand tightened around the bedrail.<\/p>\n
He must have seen the fear in my face because he continued carefully.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019re encouraging. Treatment is not finished, and we still have a lot of monitoring ahead of us, but Elodie is doing well enough that we\u2019re comfortable moving her into the next, less intensive phase.\u201d<\/p>\n
Elodie looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs that good?\u201d<\/p>\n
I could barely speak.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s very good.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her smile returned.<\/p>\n
Then one of the nurses handed Dr. Keane a bright blue backpack covered with hand-drawn stars and messages.<\/p>\n
Elodie sat up straighter.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSomething your class sent you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Inside the front pocket was a card.<\/p>\n
Whenever you\u2019re ready, your seat is waiting.<\/p>\n
Elodie read it twice.<\/p>\n
Then she looked at Dr. Keane.<\/p>\n
\u201cSchool?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot tomorrow, and probably not a full day at first,\u201d he explained. \u201cBut if things continue this way, we can start planning your return.\u201d<\/p>\n
Elodie\u2019s entire face lit up.<\/p>\n
Then she looked at me.<\/p>\n
My face must have answered before I did because her smile faded.<\/p>\n
On the drive home, she talked almost nonstop.<\/p>\n
Would she still have the same desk? Could she go to recess? Had the class hamster survived? Was Tessa still sitting near the window?<\/p>\n
Eventually, she became quiet.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t want me to go.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn\u2019t what I said.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou haven\u2019t said anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe need to make sure everything is safe.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes that mean yes?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt means we need a proper plan.\u201d<\/p>\n
Elodie turned toward the window.<\/p>\n
Even at seven, she understood perfectly.<\/p>\n
I was terrified.<\/p>\n
The following week, I met with her teacher and the school nurse.<\/p>\n
I arrived with three pages of questions.<\/p>\n
What happened if another child came to school sick?<\/p>\n
What if Elodie became tired halfway through the day?<\/p>\n
What if she needed medication?<\/p>\n
What if another child knocked into her?<\/p>\n
Her teacher answered patiently until I asked the last question.<\/p>\n
\u201cChildren do sometimes bump into each other, Maren.\u201d<\/p>\n
Exactly.<\/p>\n
Children bumped into people. Children sneezed without covering their mouths. Children forgot to wash their hands. Children could seem healthy at breakfast and have a fever by dinner.<\/p>\n
I had spent almost a year learning how quickly ordinary life could become dangerous.<\/p>\n
During the meeting, another mother entered the classroom to drop off paperwork.<\/p>\n
She overheard Elodie\u2019s name.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, is she coming back?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGradually,\u201d the teacher said.<\/p>\n
The woman hesitated.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs it safe for the other children?\u201d<\/p>\n
I almost came out of my chair.<\/p>\n
The school nurse answered calmly.<\/p>\n
\u201cCancer is not contagious.\u201d<\/p>\n
The woman turned red and quickly explained that she hadn\u2019t meant it that way.<\/p>\n
Maybe she hadn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
But Elodie had been waiting in the hallway with my mother and heard enough.<\/p>\n
That evening, she asked me, \u201cDoes that lady think people can catch cancer from me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe doesn\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEveryone is going to look at me differently.\u201d<\/p>\n
Without thinking, I said, \u201cThen maybe we should wait a little longer.\u201d<\/p>\n
Elodie stared at me.<\/p>\n
The words sounded wrong as soon as they left my mouth.<\/p>\n
Two days later, Tessa and her mother came over.<\/p>\n
The moment Elodie saw them, she looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou told.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI only asked your teacher if something was wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI asked you not to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was trying to help because I knew you were hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her voice became quieter.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was hurt. But it was mine.\u201d<\/p>\n
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