Whenever Elodie cried, Caleb complained that he couldn\u2019t concentrate.<\/p>\n
If dishes were stacked in the sink, he asked why I hadn\u2019t gotten to them yet. If I walked past his office while holding the baby, he said the floor creaked too loudly.<\/p>\n
Then he became obsessed with saving money.<\/p>\n
Every extra load of laundry became a conversation. He counted how many diapers we used and questioned why the air conditioner needed to stay on when it was hot outside.<\/p>\n
I started cutting corners just to avoid another argument.<\/p>\n
But the shower was where things became unbearable.<\/p>\n
It was the only place where nobody needed my body for a few minutes.<\/p>\n
I wasn\u2019t taking long baths or standing under the water for half an hour. Most mornings I was lucky if I washed my hair and rinsed the spit-up from my shoulder before Elodie started crying again.<\/p>\n
Still, Caleb would knock.<\/p>\n
\u201cTessa, how much longer?\u201d<\/p>\n
Or, \u201cShe\u2019s crying again.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sometimes he joked that I was \u201ctaking a vacation in there.\u201d<\/p>\n
One morning, while I was rinsing conditioner from my hair, he opened the door and told me I needed to hurry because he couldn\u2019t handle the sound of Elodie crying.<\/p>\n
I pulled the shower curtain aside and stared at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s your daughter too.\u201d<\/p>\n
Caleb rubbed his forehead as if I were the problem.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know that. I\u2019m telling you I have a low tolerance for constant noise. She gets worked up when you disappear, so why make it worse?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s six weeks old.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you already know what calms her.\u201d<\/p>\n
That answer stayed with me.<\/p>\n
Not because it was loud or cruel.<\/p>\n
Because it was so casual.<\/p>\n
The next morning, I walked into the bathroom and found a digital kitchen timer taped to the shower door.<\/p>\n
It had already been set.<\/p>\n
4:00.<\/p>\n
For a second, I thought Caleb was making a terrible joke.<\/p>\n
Then he appeared behind me holding another timer.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve got the same one out here,\u201d he said. \u201cWhen it goes off, you need to be done.\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed once because I didn\u2019t know what else to do.<\/p>\n
\u201cVery funny.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m serious.\u201d<\/p>\n
I turned around.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re giving me four minutes to shower?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t need twenty.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve never taken twenty.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen four should be enough.\u201d<\/p>\n
I remember looking at his face, waiting for any sign that he understood how ridiculous the conversation was.<\/p>\n
There wasn\u2019t one.<\/p>\n
He explained that water cost money, Elodie hated being away from me, and his work was being interrupted.<\/p>\n
Then he added the part I still couldn\u2019t believe.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf the buzzer goes off and you\u2019re not out, I\u2019m shutting the water off at the main.\u201d<\/p>\n
I told him he wouldn\u2019t dare.<\/p>\n
He did.<\/p>\n
The first time, I still had soap running down one arm and shampoo at the roots of my hair when the timer started beeping.<\/p>\n
Then the water stopped.<\/p>\n
The pipes knocked inside the wall.<\/p>\n
I stood there dripping, stunned.<\/p>\n
Caleb called through the door, \u201cTime\u2019s up.\u201d<\/p>\n
I had to fill a plastic pitcher from the sink and rinse myself with cold water.<\/p>\n
When I finally came out, Elodie was crying in her bassinet and Caleb was sitting near his laptop.<\/p>\n
He barely looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cSee? You managed.\u201d<\/p>\n
I wish I could say I immediately packed a bag or screamed at him.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
I was too tired.<\/p>\n
The second time was worse because I knew what was coming.<\/p>\n
I rushed from the second I stepped under the water.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t wash my hair properly. I barely scrubbed. I kept looking at the numbers counting down.<\/p>\n
When the alarm went off, I grabbed for the tap, but the water still disappeared.<\/p>\n
Caleb walked past the bathroom while I crouched beside the tub with a bucket.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou need to get better at managing your time,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
That was the moment that frightened me most.<\/p>\n
Not the timer.<\/p>\n
Not even the cold water.<\/p>\n
The fact that I had started trying to become better at obeying it.<\/p>\n
A few days later, everything finally changed.<\/p>\n
Elodie had been unusually fussy for two nights. I had slept maybe three broken hours, my shirt smelled like milk, and there was dried spit-up tangled near the back of my hair.<\/p>\n
Caleb had worn headphones most of the night because the crying bothered him.<\/p>\n
By midmorning, I felt like I might cry if I didn\u2019t get ten minutes alone.<\/p>\n
I fed Elodie, changed her diaper, and waited until she was sleepy before placing her in the bassinet.<\/p>\n
Then I hurried into the bathroom.<\/p>\n
The timer was already waiting.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t even argue.<\/p>\n
I turned on the water and started washing my hair as fast as I could.<\/p>\n
Thirty seconds later, Elodie began fussing.<\/p>\n
Then came Caleb\u2019s voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cTessa!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m almost done.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s crying.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
The timer kept counting.<\/p>\n
I scrubbed shampoo through my hair so quickly that my scalp hurt.<\/p>\n
Then came the familiar sound.<\/p>\n
Beep.<\/p>\n
Beep.<\/p>\n
Beep.<\/p>\n
The water stopped.<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n
Soap was still running down my neck.<\/p>\n
For one terrible second, my first thought was that I needed to apologize for being too slow.<\/p>\n
I wrapped myself in a robe and opened the door.<\/p>\n
Caleb was standing in the hallway.<\/p>\n
But he wasn\u2019t alone.<\/p>\n
His father, Martin, stood beside him holding the second timer.<\/p>\n
Martin had been staying with us for a few days because he wanted time with Elodie.<\/p>\n
His face was completely still.<\/p>\n
That was somehow worse than if he had been shouting.<\/p>\n
He handed me a clean towel.<\/p>\n
Then he looked at his son.<\/p>\n
\u201cExplain.\u201d<\/p>\n
Caleb tried to laugh.<\/p>\n
\u201cDad, it looks worse than it is.\u201d<\/p>\n
Martin lifted the timer.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve watched you run toward the water valve three mornings in a row. Today I followed you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Caleb\u2019s smile disappeared.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re trying to keep Elodie on a routine.\u201d<\/p>\n
Martin looked toward me.<\/p>\n
My hair was full of shampoo.<\/p>\n
Water was dripping from my robe onto the floor.<\/p>\n
Then he looked back at Caleb.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you time your wife\u2019s showers because your six-week-old daughter cries?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t understand. I work from home.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand exactly what I saw.\u201d<\/p>\n
Caleb\u2019s voice tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe takes too long. The baby screams, I have meetings, and we\u2019re wasting water.\u201d<\/p>\n
Martin stared at him for a long moment.<\/p>\n
Then he told me to use the guest bathroom.<\/p>\n
\u201cRinse your hair. Take however long you need.\u201d<\/p>\n
Caleb stepped forward.<\/p>\n
\u201cDad, come on.\u201d<\/p>\n
Martin didn\u2019t even turn around.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot another word.\u201d<\/p>\n
I went into the guest bathroom.<\/p>\n
Once the door closed, my hands started shaking.<\/p>\n
I stood under warm water much longer than necessary, not because I wanted to prove something but because for the first time in weeks nobody was counting.<\/p>\n
When I came downstairs, papers covered the kitchen table.<\/p>\n
Martin had apparently been paying much more attention than I realized.<\/p>\n
He had written down my day.<\/p>\n
5:15 a.m. \u2014 Feed Elodie.<\/p>\n
5:50 \u2014 Change diaper.<\/p>\n
6:20 \u2014 Wash bottles.<\/p>\n
7:00 \u2014 Start laundry.<\/p>\n
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