The Hilarious Tale of a Nervous Priest and His “Vodka Sermon”
A new priest was so nervous at his very first Mass that he could barely speak and gave an awful sermon. 
Afterward, he asked the monsignor how to “relax” on the pulpit. The monsignor jokingly said:
“When I’m nervous, I put a glass of vodka in front of me. If I start to shake or stammer, I take a sip.” 
The next Sunday, the young priest tried it. One sip… then another… and another! By the end, he was preaching with energy, theatrics, and confidence.
After Mass, he found a note from the monsignor with some important advice:
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Sip, don’t gulp.
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There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
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Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
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David slew Goliath, not “kicked the holy crap” out of him.
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The Virgin Mary is not “Mary with the Cherry.”
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And grace before meals isn’t: “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.”
Sometimes, a little less of the “Holy Spirit” makes for a better sermon.