You didn’t go too far by setting boundaries—but the way you made your point did cross a line.
Intentionally adding something you knew she’s allergic to (even mildly) wasn’t just symbolic—it put her health at risk and guaranteed the situation would escalate. That undermines your otherwise reasonable position. Your concern about living with her is valid; the method you chose made it harder for anyone to hear that.
The bigger issue isn’t the dinner—it’s the condition attached to the money. $35,000 in exchange for a permanent living arrangement with someone you already struggle to tolerate is a major, life-shaping tradeoff. This isn’t just “help,” it’s a restructuring of your home, your privacy, and your marriage dynamic.
Your instincts about that are grounded. Living with a controlling parent can create constant tension, especially if your husband doesn’t clearly support boundaries. That part matters more than the money.
What would’ve worked better is a direct, calm conversation with your husband first:
- Are we even open to living with her at all?
- If yes, what are the non-negotiables? (privacy, shared spaces, decision-making)
- Are we both willing to enforce those boundaries consistently?
Then, together, present a united answer to her—either a respectful no, or a clearly defined yes with limits.
Right now, you’ve got two separate problems:
- Whether living with her is a good idea (it likely isn’t, given what you described).
- Repairing trust after what happened at dinner.
If you want to move forward constructively, you might consider acknowledging the cooking incident without backing down on your core point: you’re not willing to trade your autonomy for financial help.
A simple version could be:
- “I shouldn’t have handled dinner that way, and I’m sorry for that. But I do need us to be honest about the bigger issue—living together wouldn’t work for me without serious boundaries.”
You’re not wrong to protect your space. But if you want your husband on your side, you’ll need to show him that you can defend those boundaries without escalating things in ways that feel unsafe or hostile.